Seasonal Affective Disorder

I used to think that I just got bummed every winter because I couldn't go to the shore, but Seasonal Affective Disorder really means that something to do with light and weather makes me depressed once the days get shorter. The dr.s (whom I don't trust in the slightest) say that light therapy can help, but I don't really understand how sitting still and staring at a bright light for 1/2 an hour every morning will make me forget that it's cold and I can't go swimming (also, it seems like a giant waste of time, especially in the morning when there's laundry and morning chores to do before work). Also, antidepressants have some nasty side effects that I can do without. So, what do I do to fight off SAD in these last few days of winter? It's a little easier since I'm now in the home stretch but in general I have a few ways to cheer myself up.
-I drive to the shore once or twice during the winter and walk around. Yes, it's cold and windy but it's bright and the ocean is still there along with all of the wildlife. Sometimes the beach is prettier in the winter, especially when it snows.
-I wait for the first gardening and seed catalogs to come to the house (usually in the first week or so of March) and then I plan out the garden, order the seeds/seedlings and daydream about what it will be like to plant once the ground is unfrozen. I also start the seeds in my basement towards the end of March.
-I follow baseball spring training, to a lesser extent. Also on warmer days, dh and I throw the ball around in the street. In early April, we'll start playing wiffleball in the mall/grocery stor parking lot, and in May the church softball league starts.
-I frequently check how long it is until key spring and summer events occur. For example, as of today there are 41 days until 6 Flags opens, 4 months and a few odd days until the Meadowlands fair, and 5 months and a few odd days until the Sussex County Farm and Horse Show.
-I go hiking before the snakes comeout and the bears wake back up! Even if it's a little chilly I don't have to deal with the scariest of wildlife.
-I dig out the summer clothes, start washing and mending them, and put away the heaviest of the winter clothes. This always makes me feel like spring is just around the corner!
Of course, spring is not just around the corner. There is always at least a bit of snow in March, so I'll just have to suck it up. There are a few good things going on this month anyway, like my trip to Las Vegas, St. Patty's Day (which will be bittersweet this year; it would have been my due date with Lilly) and my trip with mom & sister to NYC for a ladies' weekend. Even so, I can't wait to finish up this long winter!

date night

Like many people in the current economic crisis, my husband and I are pretty much broke. This is not due to gross mismanagement of money, but rather due to the fact that both of us were out of work for 3-4 weeks in November without pay (also, buying a house last January and a truck in October didn't help). Our finances could have survived if one of us was out of work, but not both, so now we're rebuilding our savings and trying to do our best on slightly less than before, in case anything like that should happen again. In that spirit, we will be instituting a "date night" to save money. Once a month, I will write out "Ted, please take me on a _________ date." Then, I'll fill in the blank with one of the twelve pre-planned choices: at-home, park (outdoor), dancing, karaoke, volunteering, shopping, overnight, out of state, museum, ice cream, fancy, and free. Most of them cost very little (except fancy or overnight-even shopping or out of state can be done on a budget!), and some cost next to nothing. Once I've used an option, it is crossed off and I can't repeat it. This will help us to save a bit, since my job just announced today that they will not pay a cost of living increase for employees next year, and dh works for the state, which is also not doing raises and is mandating that all employees take 2 unpaid days in May and June (which basically is money out of employees' pockets, although the day off will be nice). Anyway, the date night thing will make for a few pleasant evenings. It is generally hard to save money when dh plays so many shows at bars and clubs. I like to go and support him so when they have a guest list I generally get in for free, but sometimes I have to pay a cover and then they often have a 2-drink minimum, so there are lots of hidden costs. Even if there is an open bar, there can still be costs like gas money and parking or train fare if I don't ride in with the band. I don't care though, I'm really proud that the band is playing all the time and attracting a following (and of rabid, devoted fans if I do say so myself). They're even headlining a few festivals in the near future. Anyway, I'm praying that they get picked up by a label soon so that they can just record and stop touring for a little while, but we'll see what happens.

Children and God's Timing

Sometimes people ask me if I have any children, and I don't know how to answer them. Strictly speaking, no, I have no children, just a dog and three cats and a husband who sometimes acts like he's a five year old. But then I think that I'm not being quite fair, at least not to my daughter. Lilly was born very premature (at only a little over 5 months), and we knew that there was not a chance at all that she would make it out of the hospital, no matter how hard we prayed or how bad we wanted it. I gave birth, I named my child, but I never held her...to this day I don't even know what she looked like. I was the only one in the maternity ward to leave empty-handed (but for a teddy bear that a kind nurse gave me so that I had something to hold at night).
I thought at the time that God must have been punishing me; I still don't know if he wasn't. I thought that it was the perfect time for children. My closest friends had all moved away (so no more late nights out drinking, those days were over), my dh and I bought a house, we finally got rid of all the roommates so we had room for a nursery, and I got a great part-time job where I would have summers and all holidays off. I didn't get into the graduate program that I wanted to attend, but when I looked at the positive pregnancy test (and later heard my Lilly's heartbeat) I thought that it was God's will that everything fall into place like that. My pregnancy was uneventful, even healthy, until the night before my water broke. As we drove to the hospital that morning, I knew that it was all over. But I had to ask, wasn't this part of God's plan? Everything else had fallen into place so perfectly, why would he take it all away now?
I will never know the answer to that question, besides that God wanted it that way for some reason. At first I was hurt, then angry, and I still often go back and forth between the two. But God has a plan, and it took me a while to realize that I don't know what it is. It was presumptuous and just plain silly of me to think that I had figured it all out. No one can figure everything out, because His plan is a mystery.
This month dh and I decided to "try" again, as both of us are anxious to finally hold a child in our arms. We were once so close that it feels like it should be happening soon, that I might still be due next month, and sometimes I'm still shocked when I wake up and see my (kind of) flat belly. Both of us want to much to be parents, but now there is no rush. God has shown us that I can get pregnant, and that with proper care I can have a child. But it is up to him to show us when. I'm not on my own schedule anymore (not that I ever really was, I just thought that I was), I'm now operating on his time. I'm leaving my life in his hands, not only because I have no choice-no one really has a choice-but because that is my choice.
When people ask whether or not I have children, I still avoid the question since the wound is so fresh that I can't maintain a conversation about it. But what I want to say is that I did, and I do, and God-willing, I will, some day soon.

a good white bread recipe, from allrecipes.com

good, easy recipe for simple white bread. my husband loves it, and it makes the entire neighborhood smell great! taken from allrecipes.com

Ingredients:
1 package active dry yeast
3 teaspoons sugar
2 1/4 cups warm water (110 degrees to 115 degrees F), divided
2 teaspoons salt
6 cups all-purpose flour

Directions:
1.
In a large mixing bowl, dissolve yeast and 1 teaspoon sugar in 1/4 cup water; let stand for 10 minutes. Combine salt, remaining sugar and water; add to yeast mixture. Add 3 cups of flour; beat until smooth. Add enough remaining flour to form a soft dough. Turn onto a floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 6-8 minutes. Place in a greased bowl, turning once to grease top. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 1 hour. Punch dough down; shape into two loaves. Place in two 8-in. x 4-in. x 2-in. loaf pans that have coated with nonstick cooking spray. Cover and let rise until doubled, about 1 hour. Bake at 350 degrees F for 35-40 minutes. Remove from pans and cool on wire racks.

first blog post

This will be my first blog post to this new blog. I haven't told anyone where to find it (or even that I've created it), so my thoughts will be of the completely honest, unfiltered variety. Eventually I'll write about married life, my husband, religion, my job, my animals, family, recipes, dieting, the writing life, etc., but for right now I'm content just to have this set up in the first place.