work, home, and everything in between

i am terrible at blogging. however, i am not going to give it up permanently because i feel like it is one of the few places i can be totally honest. i can be honest like, once a month when i post. other than that, i'm beat.
my job is terrible lately. at the beginning of the semester, a new director was hired. she was awful. she made a ton of changes that did us no good, and for no reason (and i seriously subscribe to the school of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it"). then, due to an unfortunate family issue, she decided to take a leave of absence. the powers that be filled her spot with someone part-time who doesn't know the first thing about her job and is never in her office. so, in a sense, i'm kind of my own boss while still able to be chewed out by the powers that be. so now coverage at work is spotty at best and i no longer get to leave for the hour lunch i'm contractually guaranteed. it is harder and harder to get everything accomplished, and we are left out in the dark regarding any administrative decisions. i used to really love my job because i get the chance to help people succeed academically and personally, but as the upadministration has not provided me with any support (i mean, aren't they at least supposed to have my back?), i have started to get my resume in order and look for jobs...at the worst possible time. oh well, that's life i guess.
dh's band is doing very well lately. they just released a cd which is ACTUALLY SOLD IN STORES (which blows my mind in this era of digital nonsense, but i suppose i'm old-fashioned), and they've been playing in the area to promote it.
on a personal note, since that d-bag chubster was elected gov. of nj last night, dh and i are a little uncertain about the security of his job (as part of christie's crusade to cut taxes, he'll inevitably cut state workers or at least their salaries, despite the fact that dh already makes less than he would in the public sector and has few perks to speak of). that' being said, we've been looking at a few properties in ny state, and hope to move there within a few years to pursue our dream of operating a small commune-type farm cooperative. with everything going on, it seems to be our best bet anyway. everything just feels a little more ominous lately, i sense it in the air, and i'm about ready to head for the hills and live a much more simple life.
i found a website the other day called veggie trader (http://www.veggietrader.com). it allows you to search for local home-grown produce and craft products, which you can buy, sell, or trade. there's nothing in my area yet but next year i fully intend to post my bumper crops.
ah well, i had more to write about but duty calls-i have a meeting in 10!

various adventures, only some of which have been fun

i have been quite busy lately with work...besides working as a tutor and the AD at the center, i'm teaching a few classes at night and helping my dad with his business, so this is my "crazy season" i guess. i wish i had time to get anything done around the house (there are still things on my spring cleaning list that haven't been crossed off yet)!
dh & i (plus his cousin) have found a sizeable bit of property in upstate ny and hope to purchase said property as soon as possible and begin building from the ground up. we'd ideally like to build a few houses plus a large "community center" with some classrooms and an auditorium, a bunkhouse or two and a few barns (this is a 2-5 year plan). dh would like to set up a charity music camp, giving guitars and lessons to kids who would otherwise never have had a chance to get that first exposure to music in memory of our Lilly, who he never had the chance to give her first guitar. we'll use some of the land for the camp and also for artist's and writer's retreats, as well as subsistence organic farming. this is what i've been wanting to do for quite some time now, so i'd better take the time now and hone my homemaking/gardening skills, since i'll be stuck out in the middle of nowhere with just some seeds and a plot of land (and i'll love every second of it). i just really don't know about the business aspect of all of this, but i guess that's why God gave me a husband, to take care of all of these things that i don't know anything about! i'm looking into the grant-writing and securing aspect of it, as well as how to get interns from the local SUNY to work for cheap!
work is absolutely killing me, but knowing that i have something to look forward to within the next few years really makes it all worth it.
still no news on the baby front. the doctors have been testing myself and dh for everything, and so far everything has come back normal. i've done the blood work, the thyroid test, the ultrasound, and i'm going for the HSG dye test on Tuesday and that will probably come back normal as well...i'm thinking that it's hormones, and i don't know how to have them test for that! but i have been pregnant before so the dr. just keeps telling me, oh, it's probably just timing. but it took so long the first time, i don't really want to hear tht it's just timing because i know better. but i don't want to tell them how to do their jobs, oh well. i just get so dismayed that i want to give up, but for dh's sake i won't. i just don't think that this is the right way to go about this at all. if it was meant to happen, it would.

a lovely weekend, but now back to the grind

dh and i had a lovely weekend. after a bit of arguing on friday evening (i think i was just overtired and cranky after my first week back at work), dh and i went to a friend's movie theater and saw julie and julia, despite the fact that my husband says that seeing movies with meryl streep in them is in direct violation of man code. when we left the theater though he said he liked it but told me not to tell anyone (but i think that this is ok to say here since it's semi-anonymous). i really enjoyed it, but kept thinking throughout the entire movie, "who the hell really lives in queens? ick." i just like movies about food i guess, and julia child seems like a pisser. i never thought that she was like that i guess, though foodies are always a little "off." after that we hit a few bars and got some wings and beers and whatnot. it was nice because you could still smoke in one of the bars (which is something that i was never of legal age to do in nj before they changed the law, and it's lovely), and it had a wii so i did some fencing and bowling and everything, despite the fact that i am not so good at wii sports. the next day ted worked, i visited my mom and grandma, and we both stayed inside for the remainder of the evening to avoid the heat. on sunday we saw district 9, which was a good overall scifi choice but i have to admit i felt a little nauseous and uneasy after the movie was over, and i couldn't (and still can't) pinpoint just why. anyway, i'd have to say that neither of them made great date movies, but that didn't spoil our time at all. julia and julia is the kind of movie you go to with girlfriends or moms, and district 9 maybe with your scifi geek buddies. i am waiting for a few other movies to come out, namely
inglorious basterds, the final destination, and the new halloween movie (i'm kind of hoping to catch the final destination and halloween at a drivein double feature, but we'll see)...i'd have liked to see 500 days of summer, but i guess now i'll wait for a few months until they play it on one of the HBOs like a thousand times.

here's the recipe i've been promising to post for a while now:

spicy zucchini muffins

1 1/2 cups shredded zucchini
1/2 cup shredded carrot
1/2 cup white sugar (use less if you'd like)
1 egg (or egg replacement)
1/2 cup cinnamon applesauce, preferably with no sugar added
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons apple pie spice (or other spice blend)
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 teaspoons lemon zest

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
In a bowl, beat together the zucchini, sugar, egg, and oil. In a separate bowl, sift together the flours, salt, baking soda, and baking powder; stir in the remainder of ingredients. Stir the flour mixture into the zucchini mixture just until blended. Pour the cupcake liners in muffin tins, until about 2/3 full. Bake 30-40 minutes in the preheated oven (watch these carefully).

lonely office

it's pretty quiet around the office...no one has come back yet but me, so the entire upper floor of the library is like a ghost town. until about an hour ago, the library wasn't even open, and i think i may have been the only one in the building. it was kinda creepy, since they don't even turn the lights on for me anymore. it's been eerily noiseless and incredibly strange to be the only one here. the students won't be back for another 2 weeks or so, and until then i'll be able to count the cars in the normally-slam-packed parking lot on two hands. i miss all the noise.
the zucchini muffins turned out pretty well, so i'll post the recipe when i come home tonight, before date night. dh wants to take me out to his friend's movie theater tonight, even though i go up to see a movie there every once in a while anyway (he doesn't usually come with me, because he's always so busy). there's the movie i want to see, but dh says that seeing it would "violate man code" because it stars meryl streep, so we'll probably see the other movie that my sis says is terrible and that i have no urge to see. i'd like to go see district 9 because i like bad sci-fi, but it is not playing at the theater where we will be going.
yesterday was lovely. my sis and i played wii sports for a bit, then came home and baked onion bread for dinner and double chocolate chunk cookies for the boys to take with them on (what should hopefully have been) their last night at the studio. then we looked at apartments and things for her, as she's now at that age...you know, i really don't know where time has gone, because i still picture her as a child, not someone who has a car and a job and is about to start college and move out. i also can't imagine moving out on my own like she would like to do. when i moved out, it was with a roommate and the understanding that my husband would be moving in shortly, just as soon as he became my husband (about 3 months after i moved from the dorm into my house). i simply don't see her as ready for that leap, like how could she possibly know what she's in for? who ever does when they move out so young? she rarely does the dishes, lives off of foods that can be nuked, and i don't know if she even does her own laundry! it's just strange to think about what i knew when i moved out, and that even though i was not fully prepared to live on my own, i had somewhat more preparation than she has. strange, coming from the same house, the same parents, and having such different experiences when it comes to something like that.
i bought my sister a hope chest for her 18th birthday, and filled it with dishes and towels and cooking utensils and things, just in case she did decide to go away to school so she would have a few things. i started a hope chest for myself as a young teenager, and ended up with too much by the time i moved out! i hope the same thing happens for her, that she'll continue to acquire the things that she needs so that she won't have to shell out too much cash when she moves into an empty apartment and figures out that she needs to start from scratch.
ooh, good news! my blueberry cake (actually taken from a recipe from dh's grandmother, when she used to live down the street from a blueberry farm in PA, and altered slightly) won honorable mention at the nj state blueberry contest at the nj fair! i was hoping for 1st place, obviously, but hon. mention is like 4th place and that's not bad at all. my scones did not fare as well in the competiton (they didn't even place), but were well-received in dh's office.

back from vacation, back to work...

the whole family (not the whole family, but enough of us...dh & i, sis and her bf, ma, aunt and her hubby and kids, and a few friends-plus whoever happened to stop down for the day) went on vacation to the beach house a few weeks ago...it was lovely and relaxing, for the most part. i love swimming in the ocean, and the availability of fresh seafood right by the bay. i got some reading and tanning in, and dh & i also purchased two bikes specifically for the occasion, and had a blast riding them up and down the boardwalk, and around the (completely flat!) town. there was a CRAZY storm when sis and BF, two friends, and dh & i were in the middle of a tooftop mini golf game, and it was so intense we had to huddle under awnings and dash to the nearest available shelter (a trashy boardwalk bar...hey, we were on vacation!)...when it stopped we all walked home on the beach, and were truly a sight for sore eyes!
last weekend was the annual family reunion, though several faces and family units were noticeably absent. the theme was "south of the border," and we enjoyed fun with pinatas and a sangria contest and mountains of mexican food (my aunt from florida makes the best enchiladas).
now we are back home, and as of yesterday i am back to work to prepare for the fall semester. oh how the time flies! this year my baby sister will be attending the college where i work, so i'll have a semi-permanent lunch date.
i'm off to check on my banana bread and spicy zucchini-carrot muffins...if they're good, i'll post the recipe later!

since it has been a while...

I'd like to do an update as far as what's going on in life right now. dh has been playing a lot of shows, but the band is going on hiatus for about two weeks to re-group and practice for a bit. this is nice because it means more time with the hubby, and we get to go camping this weekend with some friends and a few of dh's cousins. the river is lovely for wading and swimming this time of year, and we're so blessed to be able to go up as often as we do.
work is over with for the ENTIRE SUMMER as of this week, and though i've still got a little to do before i pack it in, i'm looking forward to a lazy(ish) summer with family and friends. in fact, a few old friends are back in town after graduating college, and dh and i have been enjoying some simple pleasures in their company, like badminton, barbeques, and (YAY) the polish festival. my baby sister graduates high school in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS, and i can't believe it. i'm meeting with my mum tomorrow to plan a graduation party for my sis and her boyfriend before they leave for the atlantis resort. i love party planning, especially since it's such a happy occasion this time! also, sis looked beautiful for her prom last week, especially her hair (of which i am very jealous). she had a lovely time, and went camping afterwards, just like her big sis did 7 years ago!
no news yet on the baby front. if there's still no news on the baby front by next month, i think i'll see the doctor, no matter how much i'm dreading it. to me, it's kind of embarassing to admit that i'm having trouble with something that seems to come so effortlessly to other people. i mean, people have been getting pregnant and having children literally since people have existed, so why am i so bad at it? i doubt that the doctor will shed any light on the situation, since all of the doctors were so completely UNhelpful last time, but we shall see.
dh has been doing quite a bit in the yard and garden lately, and the house is looking much better for it. i got home from a meeting the other night and found him outside playing with his brand new shiny chainsaw down by the lake. i'll have to start makring the things that i don't want cut down since he seems to be enjoying himself a little too much. but the garden is doing VERY well, and i pray that that means i can cut down on trips to the produce market this summer. we're trying our hand(s) at a few new things, like onions, roses, and a perennial garden (for my lily). the entire deck is covered in flowers that still don't have homes and, since the yard is quite small, i'll have to find some creative spots for them.
on a completely different note, i'd really like a bike. you know, just to ride to my mum's house or to the park or the deli or to bring to the beach or whatever. it would be nice, and i've been peeking around for one at garage sales, but i may have to bite the bullet and save for a new one. that might be better anyway.
i've not been keeping up with my blogging or journalling or writing or reading. i'm more than slightly disappointed, but honestly, i'm also quite busy. i hope to devote a little more time to such pursuits over the summer. maybe the beach will be more conducive to writing poetry (or perhaps just napping...) and the shore house should be quiet enough for some writing.
i'm off to finish my reports for work and hope that nothing else crosses my desk in the next day or so. ta!

Poetry/Literature

I would very much like to self-publish a literary journal with a particular focus on poetry. I am currently looking for submissions of poetry, any genre or length, short fiction, and personal essays (without a political bent). Graphic art is also welcome. You will retain all rights, etc. and the work would have to be one that has not been previously published. Submissions are limited to 5 pgs. There would be no compensation, however a few more people might become familiar with your work (recognition of some kind is important for all writers...we all have egos, and some are easier to feed than others). I'm thinking of hawking them at the merch tables next to dh's cds and stickers. If you have any interest in this at all, please leave a comment and I'll give you my particulars. Thanks!

Easter and everything after

i didn't mean to start this blog and then abandon it in rapid succession, but it seems that i have. or at the very least, i've neglected it. the reason for this is that between spring cleaning, Easter prep, dh's shows and my crazy work schedule, I've just not been around. however, i may just use this blog as a tool to organize myself (as i'm quite certain that no one reads it anyway). for example, it has helped me with menu planning for Easter and the upcoming wedding, and i think i'll use it to help me plan the garden in a few days. my parents gave me a new bird bath for Easter, and i'm trying to figure out a spot where:
a. it'll look pretty
b. my uncle won't be able to shoot at the birds
c. i'll be able to see it from inside the house
so, i'll plan the garden around that. dh and some friends cut down a tree the other day so i'll have a little more light down by the lake, and i can plant some root veggies there. however, now people at the bbqs will have to stop throwing rib bones and cigarettes down there. bbqs have started up again and are in full force for the spring/summer. i believe we are having one tomorrow night due to the fact that a friend is in from out of town, and as a way of saying thank you to the friends who helped us cut down the tree in the side yard. also, we'll have a bonfire and clean up all the brush in the area, and it'll be a fun, social occasion as well.
Easter was great, a smashing success despite the odds. the MIL, dh & i went to sunrise service on the lake and it was beautiful, though very chilly. a few ducks even came over to hear the Good Word. however, the pastor flew through the service and it was not nearly as satisfying as it usually is. but it was nice to see the sun come up over the lake and sing hymns. then we had bkfst and went home to take a nap before tackling the great pierogi task. i think we made like a mountain of them, and still have enough leftovers to make about 2 dozen more, which we'll probably make and freeze tomorrow (handmade are better than mrs. t's or poppy's any day). i had made all of the baked goods (babka, blueberry cake, chocolate bourbon pecan pie, bunny cake) beforehand in the few days leading up to Easter, so that all i had to do in the morning was go to church, stick the ham and veggies in the over, do a quick once-over of the house and the linens, and make pierogi (dh helped; i daresay he enjoyed it). we had family and friends in and out of the house all day, from 1 to about 10:30. i fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow last night. while i should have stayed awake to finish the last of the dishes, i left the last few cups to wash this morning (and i'm sorry to say, i haven't gotten around to them yet) and made a beeline for the bed. a very joyous, very rewarding Easter with family and friends is a real blessing, and a real treat. dh helps me more than i recognize, and i'm afraid that i'd be lost without him (though i'd never tell him that)...

hectic home and work life

life has been incredibly hectic lately. sis and i are still planning and executing the party for our parents' silver anniversary, provided that the two of them do not kill one another first. but, the invitations are out (and some RSVPs have already come in!), the menu is planned, the decorations and tableware have been purchased, and (God willing) my father is writing his vows and finding someone to officiate. we are praying the the weather cooperates, since the ceremony itself will be held on the beach and much of the reception will be on the decks outside the house. if not, it's ok. we're family, we should be comfortable in close quarters.
that aside, dh has been playing sooo many shows on saturday nights (and we've been coming home at 2, 3, 4, sometimes 5 o clock) that we haven't been to church in a while, but we made it back this week and boy, was i glad to be there. we had a visiting pastor who was fantastic. i felt like i was in the 1920's, he was so animated and just so into what he was saying. it was a nice change of pace, not that there are any problems with our usual pastor (she's fantastic!), but it was a different experience, the way he preached. the entire order of the service was entirely different, but i was so caught up in what he was saying that i hardly noticed until it was over! my prayers go out to my pastor, who has been home with a chronic illness for several weeks now.
because it was so nice yesterday, dh used the first of his sick days and stayed at home with me. so i skipped the gym, didn't go to my parents' house (they called me today to say that they didn't miss me), and we took the pup on a nice, long hike for a few hours. after the kind of winter we've had, it felt amazing to be out in the warmth and sunlight for such an extended period of time. then when we got home we finally went out to see watchmen, which wasn't bad. i mean, it was no dark knight, but they can't all be, can they? it was good for a superhero movie, and i'd really like to read the "graphic novel" (read: comic book) on which it is based. but i also discovered at my local movie theater that it is possible to move the armrest out of the way entirely for extra movie cuddling and romance! still, i have to admit that i like the drive-in better...there's nothing better for romance than a blanket and some chinese food and being able to bring the pup along with you (that was mostly sarcasm, but the drive-in is still my favorite date spot)! it is always nice to spend some quality time with the dh when he isn't too busy being a rock star.
this weekend dh, most of the band, a good friend from out of town and i are going to the opening day at 6 flags and i'm soooo excited! i missed out on most of the rides last year, and this year i'm determined to go even if it's only this once.
spring cleaning is still not finished, but it is well underway. the extra wedding stuff in the brown room, a bag of goodies for the food pantry on the kitchen counter, a contractor bag full of kids books and art supplies and all of the band's paperwork and flyer copies need to be dealt with as soon as possible, but i have nowhere else to put them for now! hopefully by the time i post next i'll have crossed a few more items off of my spring cleaning to-do list!

weekly menus

I come from a family where dinner wasn't even guaranteed, much less planned. Some nights because of mom's crazy work schedule, and between girl scouts, softball or field hockey, riding lessons, and family or church events, we really had to fend for ourselves (which is why today I can make just about any meal from just about anything that we have in the pantry, and why my sister would live off of hot pockets and ramen noodles if she had the choice). So when I got married and we had little to live off of, I learned the importance of a well-stocked pantry and a little advance planning. Now, I don't pretend to be perfect as far as this goes...sometimes the pantry's missing a few key items, and most of the time I don't plan meals too far in advance, but I do try to keep some staples on hand at all times. Some of these include:

• frozen chicken tenderloins
• frozen fish fillets
• flour, sugar, baking powder and soda, yeast
• cake mix (you can make just about anything from cake mix, from cookies and cakes to desserts)
• jello and pudding mix
• bisquick
• rice
• various pastas
• chicken stock
• dried and fresh herbs and spices
• frozen veggies (broccoli, spinach, mixed veggies, asparagus) and fruits (blueberries, strawberries, papaya pulp, and anything that'll keep well frozen)
• beer (not for drinking, but for beer bread, marinating, sauces, etc.)
• wine (for cooking, as above, and enjoying with meals)
• salsa
• margarine and butter
• soymilk (dh won't drink regular milk, but I keep the powdered for emergencies)
• coffee, tea, water
• Fat free half and half
• fresh carrots, potatoes, peppers, onions, bananas, apples, oranges, and occasionally snap or snow peas
• tortillas (flour), and tortilla chips
• cheese (cheddar and mozzarella)
• quick oats
• peanut butter and jams, jellies and marmalade
• various juices (apple, orange, cranberry, etc.)
• canned pasta sauce, beans and veggies, for moments of laziness, emergencies, or the apocalypse

These are just the things that I like to ALWAYS keep in the house. From this I can make a variety of full, nutritious meals, anything from smoothies to pierogies with onions, to arroz con pollo, to chicken pot pie, to quesadillas, to stir fry or just plain mac and cheese, which is always better from scratch anyway.

On occasion, I'll buy a whole chicken and make roast chicken, then use the leftovers for stock and soup, or perhaps I'll pick up a roast on sale but we usually don't eat too much red meat. But having a well-stocked pantry and a back-up freezer in the basement means that I usually am blessed enough to have quite a few staples that I can use to plan menus in advance when I've got the time and ambition. Since dh and I are still recovering from Las Vegas this weekend, there are several shows coming up in the next two weeks, and I've got a ton of spring cleaning left to do, a little planning may go a long way in reducing time spent food shopping and in the kitchen (that could be spent elsewhere).

For dinners this week I'm thinking:

• Monday- Leftover chicken noodle soup with toast and salad (since dh has a meeting in the city until late and I need to hit the gym, get a haircut and pick up the dog)
• Tuesday- Black bean soup with beer bread (then dh has early band practice)
• Wednesday-Spinach raviolis in homemade veggie sauce, with broccoli and some good wine
• Thursday-Quick but filling fruit smoothies with bananas, strawberries, blueberries and cranberry juice, with 1/2 PB&J (before show in Manhattan, load time 6)
• Friday-Cajun catfish, jambalaya
• Saturday-Sweet & Sour chicken stir fry over brown rice, orange segments
• Sunday-Chicken quesadillas, salad, sorbet

Now, this will probably change over the course of the week, but we need to plan for fish & no dessert on Friday (Lent), and quick meals for nights when there is band practice or a show, and most importantly, for not having to pick anything up at the grocery store last minute-it can really be a waste of money!

Two other, more important menus that need some planning are the Easter menu and the menu for my parents' vow renewal, which I'll be catering. Easter is easier to plan (and harder to carry out) because we do a traditional Ukrainian/Polish meal with homemade babka and pierogi, Easter ham, blueberry cake, and an assortment of pies, cakes, pastries, breads, and vegetables. I'm a little at a loss as far as what to make for the vow renewal, as I'll have limited kitchen space in the rented shore house, little time, and an incredibly limited budget to stretch to feed 40-50 people. Right now I'm thinking trays of antipasta with mozzarella, Italian deli meats, marinated mushrooms and artichokes, breads with spinach and artichoke dips and things like that as far as appetizers, and then trays of ziti, shrimp scampi over linguine, eggplant rollatini...and that's where it stops, because I have no idea where to go from there. As far as dessert, there'll be wedding cake (my aunt is having her friend make a replica of the original cake from the wedding in 1984), but I don't even know what else to serve it with, except maybe some nice fresh fruit salad. Any suggestions would be more than welcome at this point!

SPRING CLEANING!

It's almost spring, and that means it's time for spring cleaning. I've already taken down and washed half of the curtains in the house (I'll get around to the windows tomorrow) and washed the bedroom comforter and all of the throws. I still need to wash the rest of the curtains, the chair slipcover from the big brown chair, and bleach all of the white linens. My washing machine is getting quite a workout!
This year I divided my spring cleaning list up by room, then by task. Cleaning out the closets, cabinets, and fridge/freezer will take more time than say, dusting, so that's how I've prioritized. This year I'm on a bit of a modified schedule due to the fact that dh and I will be out of town this weekend on a mini-break (Vegas, baby!) and for the next few Thursdays (which are the days that I usually get a majority of cleaning done around the house) dh has out-of-town shows that I'll need to attend (in Manhattan and Brooklyn, which are out of town enough for me). My plan is to complete the cleaning before my mother, sister and I leave for our New York holiday on the 28th.
I'm blessed to have a small, simple house, especially this time of year, however lack of storage space can become a problem. I'm always looking for unique storage solutions, especially in my closet. And since we've been creating a "6-month" pantry, our kitchen cabinets need a bit of tending to! Any suggestions?
More on spring cleaning and time management to follow!

Seasonal Affective Disorder

I used to think that I just got bummed every winter because I couldn't go to the shore, but Seasonal Affective Disorder really means that something to do with light and weather makes me depressed once the days get shorter. The dr.s (whom I don't trust in the slightest) say that light therapy can help, but I don't really understand how sitting still and staring at a bright light for 1/2 an hour every morning will make me forget that it's cold and I can't go swimming (also, it seems like a giant waste of time, especially in the morning when there's laundry and morning chores to do before work). Also, antidepressants have some nasty side effects that I can do without. So, what do I do to fight off SAD in these last few days of winter? It's a little easier since I'm now in the home stretch but in general I have a few ways to cheer myself up.
-I drive to the shore once or twice during the winter and walk around. Yes, it's cold and windy but it's bright and the ocean is still there along with all of the wildlife. Sometimes the beach is prettier in the winter, especially when it snows.
-I wait for the first gardening and seed catalogs to come to the house (usually in the first week or so of March) and then I plan out the garden, order the seeds/seedlings and daydream about what it will be like to plant once the ground is unfrozen. I also start the seeds in my basement towards the end of March.
-I follow baseball spring training, to a lesser extent. Also on warmer days, dh and I throw the ball around in the street. In early April, we'll start playing wiffleball in the mall/grocery stor parking lot, and in May the church softball league starts.
-I frequently check how long it is until key spring and summer events occur. For example, as of today there are 41 days until 6 Flags opens, 4 months and a few odd days until the Meadowlands fair, and 5 months and a few odd days until the Sussex County Farm and Horse Show.
-I go hiking before the snakes comeout and the bears wake back up! Even if it's a little chilly I don't have to deal with the scariest of wildlife.
-I dig out the summer clothes, start washing and mending them, and put away the heaviest of the winter clothes. This always makes me feel like spring is just around the corner!
Of course, spring is not just around the corner. There is always at least a bit of snow in March, so I'll just have to suck it up. There are a few good things going on this month anyway, like my trip to Las Vegas, St. Patty's Day (which will be bittersweet this year; it would have been my due date with Lilly) and my trip with mom & sister to NYC for a ladies' weekend. Even so, I can't wait to finish up this long winter!

date night

Like many people in the current economic crisis, my husband and I are pretty much broke. This is not due to gross mismanagement of money, but rather due to the fact that both of us were out of work for 3-4 weeks in November without pay (also, buying a house last January and a truck in October didn't help). Our finances could have survived if one of us was out of work, but not both, so now we're rebuilding our savings and trying to do our best on slightly less than before, in case anything like that should happen again. In that spirit, we will be instituting a "date night" to save money. Once a month, I will write out "Ted, please take me on a _________ date." Then, I'll fill in the blank with one of the twelve pre-planned choices: at-home, park (outdoor), dancing, karaoke, volunteering, shopping, overnight, out of state, museum, ice cream, fancy, and free. Most of them cost very little (except fancy or overnight-even shopping or out of state can be done on a budget!), and some cost next to nothing. Once I've used an option, it is crossed off and I can't repeat it. This will help us to save a bit, since my job just announced today that they will not pay a cost of living increase for employees next year, and dh works for the state, which is also not doing raises and is mandating that all employees take 2 unpaid days in May and June (which basically is money out of employees' pockets, although the day off will be nice). Anyway, the date night thing will make for a few pleasant evenings. It is generally hard to save money when dh plays so many shows at bars and clubs. I like to go and support him so when they have a guest list I generally get in for free, but sometimes I have to pay a cover and then they often have a 2-drink minimum, so there are lots of hidden costs. Even if there is an open bar, there can still be costs like gas money and parking or train fare if I don't ride in with the band. I don't care though, I'm really proud that the band is playing all the time and attracting a following (and of rabid, devoted fans if I do say so myself). They're even headlining a few festivals in the near future. Anyway, I'm praying that they get picked up by a label soon so that they can just record and stop touring for a little while, but we'll see what happens.

Children and God's Timing

Sometimes people ask me if I have any children, and I don't know how to answer them. Strictly speaking, no, I have no children, just a dog and three cats and a husband who sometimes acts like he's a five year old. But then I think that I'm not being quite fair, at least not to my daughter. Lilly was born very premature (at only a little over 5 months), and we knew that there was not a chance at all that she would make it out of the hospital, no matter how hard we prayed or how bad we wanted it. I gave birth, I named my child, but I never held her...to this day I don't even know what she looked like. I was the only one in the maternity ward to leave empty-handed (but for a teddy bear that a kind nurse gave me so that I had something to hold at night).
I thought at the time that God must have been punishing me; I still don't know if he wasn't. I thought that it was the perfect time for children. My closest friends had all moved away (so no more late nights out drinking, those days were over), my dh and I bought a house, we finally got rid of all the roommates so we had room for a nursery, and I got a great part-time job where I would have summers and all holidays off. I didn't get into the graduate program that I wanted to attend, but when I looked at the positive pregnancy test (and later heard my Lilly's heartbeat) I thought that it was God's will that everything fall into place like that. My pregnancy was uneventful, even healthy, until the night before my water broke. As we drove to the hospital that morning, I knew that it was all over. But I had to ask, wasn't this part of God's plan? Everything else had fallen into place so perfectly, why would he take it all away now?
I will never know the answer to that question, besides that God wanted it that way for some reason. At first I was hurt, then angry, and I still often go back and forth between the two. But God has a plan, and it took me a while to realize that I don't know what it is. It was presumptuous and just plain silly of me to think that I had figured it all out. No one can figure everything out, because His plan is a mystery.
This month dh and I decided to "try" again, as both of us are anxious to finally hold a child in our arms. We were once so close that it feels like it should be happening soon, that I might still be due next month, and sometimes I'm still shocked when I wake up and see my (kind of) flat belly. Both of us want to much to be parents, but now there is no rush. God has shown us that I can get pregnant, and that with proper care I can have a child. But it is up to him to show us when. I'm not on my own schedule anymore (not that I ever really was, I just thought that I was), I'm now operating on his time. I'm leaving my life in his hands, not only because I have no choice-no one really has a choice-but because that is my choice.
When people ask whether or not I have children, I still avoid the question since the wound is so fresh that I can't maintain a conversation about it. But what I want to say is that I did, and I do, and God-willing, I will, some day soon.

a good white bread recipe, from allrecipes.com

good, easy recipe for simple white bread. my husband loves it, and it makes the entire neighborhood smell great! taken from allrecipes.com

Ingredients:
1 package active dry yeast
3 teaspoons sugar
2 1/4 cups warm water (110 degrees to 115 degrees F), divided
2 teaspoons salt
6 cups all-purpose flour

Directions:
1.
In a large mixing bowl, dissolve yeast and 1 teaspoon sugar in 1/4 cup water; let stand for 10 minutes. Combine salt, remaining sugar and water; add to yeast mixture. Add 3 cups of flour; beat until smooth. Add enough remaining flour to form a soft dough. Turn onto a floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 6-8 minutes. Place in a greased bowl, turning once to grease top. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 1 hour. Punch dough down; shape into two loaves. Place in two 8-in. x 4-in. x 2-in. loaf pans that have coated with nonstick cooking spray. Cover and let rise until doubled, about 1 hour. Bake at 350 degrees F for 35-40 minutes. Remove from pans and cool on wire racks.

first blog post

This will be my first blog post to this new blog. I haven't told anyone where to find it (or even that I've created it), so my thoughts will be of the completely honest, unfiltered variety. Eventually I'll write about married life, my husband, religion, my job, my animals, family, recipes, dieting, the writing life, etc., but for right now I'm content just to have this set up in the first place.