Let me try this again.

I realize that i have begun and abandoned this blog several times already, but i think i'll restart it for good, for several reasons. allow me to actually introduce myself, in no uncertain terms:
my name is vicki, and i'm 25 years old. i've been married for 6 1/2 years to a hell of a man (my handsome bearded lumberjack/musician/genius), and i have an adorable but sometimes terrible baby who is almost 7 months old. i am a stay at home mom, which everyone has strong feelings about one way or the other, and i do too (but which way varies from day to day and even minute to minute). i gave up a decent-paying, mostly rewarding career in higher education that i really enjoyed to be at home when i became pregnant, and sometimes it's the smartest thing i ever did, but sometimes, i think i want to bolt in the night (funny how i used to think that all of those ibsen plays were so ridiculous. they make more sense now). sometimes i want to go back to work even though i know that i really shouldn't because it wouldn't make any sense after paying for daycare and commuting, and i'd miss all of my little one's firsts. at any given time i can convince myself to lean either way. i live in a little cabin on a lake that i love and hate at the same time. it is always in a state of squalor and disrepair, despite my best efforts. it used to seem much bigger. i also have a big-ish (for the suburbs) vegetable garden that i love, but it too is never quite as it should be. however, it feeds us for most of the summer and into the fall. i walk around the house and talk to myself all day since neither the baby nor the animals are very good conversationalists, and that is why i think that a blog would be a better outlet. i used to write lots of poetry and short non-fiction essays, but i haven't really written anything on paper since i lost my first daughter a few years ago. now whenever i look at a notebook i see the million things i should have told her instead of the endless sea of lines that i used to love and look forward to (reason number two for a blog). i enjoy yoga and hiking and competitive baking and watching movies and reading comic books and pretty much anything that kevin smith does. i am house-hunting, looking for a place in the country while prices are cheap. my husband wants a farm, and i think it would be good for our girl to chase chickens and ride ponies and jump in the creek whenever she wants to, but i'm not really sure that i belong out there on a permanent basis. as a Christian wife, i try to respect my husband's judgment and give him the rule of the roost, and he's pretty good at it, and getting much better at making decisions (typical Libra, needs practice). i'm a united methodist i guess, i was raised catholic and miss the ceremony, but truth be told i don't really like church at all. i'm more of a home-church kind of gal, since i think a relationship with God should be private. i also tend to be more conservative and old-fashioned than most people my own age, despite my best efforts. i dislike most technology (well, the stupid stuff anyway. who needs a kindle when a book just feels and smells and IS so much better?) and pretty much avoid it. i still listen to vinyl and make mixtapes because i think making a mix on a computer is so much less rewarding, and giving someone a mix cd says that the giver really didn't want to put a lot of effort in. i like shopping more than i should. i own more clothes than anyone i know but always wear the same things. i am perpetually on a diet, as are most women i know. i would like to lose my baby weight and keep thinking about taking up running, but i really don't like or understand runners or the runner mentality. how could that possibly be fun? a runner's high? please. i don't particularly like very late nights or very early mornings, and i need 8 hours of sleep or i'm just not a nice person. sometimes i drink much more than i should and say mean and/or ridiculous things to everyone i can find, but i'm working on not doing that as much. i like throwing parties because i like the challenge that comes with building a menu and serving a feast and making everyone feel comfortable with people they don't know, and i like planning activities like monopoly or checkers or badminton or making gingerbread houses in the middle of summer or whatever. i am not close with a lot of people because i find it strange. most of my friends live very far away, although my family all lives close and in truth, is very close as well. i never really got along with other women, and now that i have a kid, it's kind of hard to relate to men as well (well, especially those my own age, who are generally stuck in a state of perpetual boyhood that i am super jealous of). i desperately need to start my spring cleaning, and keep telling myself i'll do it any day now. i love rollercoasters and i never outgrew amusement parks. i see everything in black and white but know that just about everything exists somewhere in the shades of gray, even though i usually won't acknowledge it. i like to sing very loud in the car, and i love driving aimlessly, something that as a stay-at-home mom, i rarely get to do anymore. occasionally, i enjoy smoking even though i know that it's bad for me. i'm scared of lakes and the creatures that lurk within them, but i love rivers and the way they smell (usually), like the beginning of spring. apple-picking makes me insanely happy.
i guess that's me. i really don't usually talk about myself like that. i'm quite glad that nobody reads this, otherwise they would know more about me than people i've known forever. however, if anybody does read this, these are the things i'll be talking about. i guess i'm just a normal-ish woman dealing with normal-ish woman issues.